I haven’t posted pictures in a while. Thought I’d share a few. I’ll update on me later…..today, scenes from my life.
So there’s a photo catch up for you.
I hope you enjoyed it. A photo can often say more than words, and it seems I’ve been pretty slack at writing words lately.
Did we buy a house built on a burial ground? Are we to be cursed forever? I can have positive thoughts and depression in the same day…..yes I am feeling the bipolar bug a biting.
I wanted to write a memorial anniversary post about Sandy on the 18th, but I was losing consciousness at the headache pain neurologist office because I had such a migraine. I couldn’t even wear my hearing technology, I went in deaf, because sounds hurt so much. I had my sunglasses on and a hat to block out as much light as I could. Stuart took care of everything. I passed out twice, once I didn’t know where I was when I came to….and it had only been seconds. I could barely talk, and I can’t even hear my own voice.
It’s those days that make it hard to find the positive. And to top it off……
Stuart got laid off the day before. Out of the blue. Company got some new investors and started restructuring….’nuf said.
I probably have a ton more to say, I have hit some posts here and there….I’m sorry. I still have 400 emails in my inbox. If you have emailed me…I promise I’ll get to it….or resend it please…who knows what is lost in that pile.
My head is hurting so much.
I must get off the computer. I’m not on here every day. I hope after getting back on Botox on the 7th, it will get better…may take a couple of months of treatments.
thank you all of sending healing thoughts my way. I send out health and wellness thoughts to you all each night. I breathe in your pain and out healthy thoughts.
(oh and don’t worry about the Bipolar Bug…I’m seeing both types of exterminations soon…yes I know it can’t be killed, but they can get it more under control. I don’t want to feel like I’m just waiting to die. But days like my trip to the neurologist, I feel like that….or I did. I’m so confused about feelings right now and I know not to trust them. Also hormonal time…so my emotions are being toyed with…as long as I know this, I can handle it.)
(I wanted a cool graphic for this, but just didn’t feel like drawing….in too much pain.)
Thank you to all who have commented here and I haven’t been to your blog, or at least not very often….I care more than I can say.
This is the third attempt at writing this post.
So I shall not try to explain things, or guess at things, I’m just going to tell what is happening.
Vertigo!!! Nearly constant. mini spins, mid-line spinning, and horrendous attacks. When I was diagnosed with Meniere’s I was told it could be one of the worst things you can get that won’t kill you, but you may wish it would.
For the past few weeks, I wish it would.
I’m so miserable. I can’t walk without aid, and then it’s very difficult. I often can’t move my head without going into a full swing. Right now I’m having a decent moment, so I’m trying to write.
I’m scared. I went to a doctor here, and he thinks it’s allergies. (I’m not so sure, I take 3 different meds for my allergies.) He put me on steroids and gave me drops to reduce the inflammation. No infection was seen. I feel have been worse since starting the medication. I’m supposed to see him again on Friday, the 21st, but Stuart is calling him tomorrow.
I can’t be left alone. We are having a hard time. Stuart needs to leave to go grocery shopping and such, but it’s almost impossible. He left for a bit last night to shop, and I ended up spinning and terrified. I called him, but of course I could hear when he answered, I just kept saying help. He found me in a lump on the floor. I know it scared him as much as it did me. I am not prepared to take care of these attacks by myself. I know I have, but it is terrifying even with help.
We came to Tucson hoping I would feel better here. Oh how wrong I was! I never thought I would feel worse! The same maybe, but not worse. I’ve seen family once the whole time we have been here. I haven’t seen any friends. I’m just so sick. I often can’t even move my head.
I want to be home where my doctors are. I don’t know if Tucson is doing this to me, or if it would have happened any way, but either way, I want my doctors! But now, I don’t know how we would get home. Riding in a car is torture. I can only imagine what riding in a plane would be like. I often can’t lift my head without spinning very fast.
So that’s all I can write for now.
I made a huge mistake, I should never have left NC. Having family and friends close here is nice, we do have some people we can call on…but this is new to them, how long would the charity last? At home we don’t really have a support system….but I have my doctors….and that’s important! If I could have the support from those here, and my doctors in the same place, I would be a much happier person.
Anyone reading this who are close to us now. Stuart could really use some help….it’s hard for him to admit, but he is overwhelmed by all of this, I can tell.
(also my migraines are back with a vengeance. I think the Botox has worn off. It really seemed to help for a while!)
The trip to Tucson, AZ was a bit rough, but not bad. The recovery after we got here was much harder. We arrived late afternoon on Friday, and today is the first day I feel like I don’t need to sleep every moment.
Today is a beautiful day! Right now it’s in the 70′sF and the high today should be in the mid 80′sF. At home, Durham , NC, it is in the 50′s all week. This is the reason I wanted to come to Tucson….oh the weather! We had a cold front here for a couple of days right after we got here…..I laughed, Stuart was worried about me and the “cold front”, it was in the upper 60′s during the day. It did get in the 30′s late at night, but I wasn’t out during those hours.
The second day we were here I walked outside to get some fresh air, I saw the prettiest bird! It was the reddest red I’ve ever seen! I looked it up and it’s the Vermillion Flycatcher.
That’s one red bird, isn’t it? I was lucky to see it, normally it has migrated by now. Right after seeing this lovely bird I saw a hummingbird, actually, he saw me first and was quite interested. He buzzed by my head, then came back and hovered about a foot or so from me and just looked at me. It was a brilliant iridescent green. What a lucky day!
Today I have been sitting outside enjoying the sun. I know it won’t be this nice all winter, but there is much less barometric pressure change here than there is at home.
I have much more that I planned to say, but I have had a bit of trouble with my email. I just found out that one of my email addresses that I have imported to my main email address, so I can read everything from one place, wasn’t being forwarded. This email address is a pretty important one to me, and it appears it hasn’t been forwarded for months. I wondered why I wasn’t hearing from some people. Now I have about 1500 emails to go through. I’m sure I’ll get tired and start deleting many without even thinking about it….so if you have written me on my “name” email, please forgive me for not getting back to you, and try again.
One more thing about email…well commenting on posts actually…On our ride out here I read some of your posts and commented on them, I don’t think they posted. I’m not sure I will be able to go back and comment on everyone’s posts. I’m sorry. Please know I was thinking of you on our way across the country. (FYI…I-40 is a boring route) I read many posts, and even tried to keep in touch.
Some have asked about how Max did on the trip. He was very good. I was afraid he wouldn’t settle down since Sandy wasn’t with us, but he did. The only time it was evident that Sandy was a real help with him, was when we’d try to leave the motel in the mornings. Max would hide! When Sandy was with us, Max didn’t want to be left without his dog, so when Sandy was ready to leave, so was Max. But for the actual ride in the car, Max was great. He meowed quite a bit the first day, but he settled in and slept most of the time. Oh the life of a spoiled cat. (he got tuna every day to coax him out of the motel, I’m surprised he hasn’t been pestering us for tuna since we arrived!)
So I to all I hope to be posting more and more about our trip and how it is affecting my illnesses. (I should say that on the drive here we mostly ate out….way too much sodium! So for the past few days my tinnitus has been louder than ever, and I’ve been very off-balance. I’ve been drinking lot’s of water and really watching my sodium intake, so today I’m feeling much better, but still not hearing as well as I was.)
We are finally getting on the road to Arizona. We leave for Tucson tomorrow…so no we aren’t gone yet.
and neither is that stupid cold. I’m sure the virus is gone, but some of the symptoms are still here. Mostly a cough. Oh how I hope it’s gone before we get to Tucson, the last time I was there I had a cough from a bad cold, people thought I was dying….or very contagious. I don’t want hubby’s family to think I have a chronic cough…for years!
So what is Gone? My hair. Yes, I had 14 inches cut off yesterday. You read right, 14 inches! Stuart took pictures, and I promise I will post them, as soon as I can get them off his phone. We are just so busy trying to finally get out of this house and on the road, that’s on the back burner right now. (my hair is now just above my shoulders…or right on them) I look like a different person!
I know I’ve been missing in action for a bit. I’m sorry. When I’m feeling icky, I don’t really like to be on the computer. I was feeling overwhelmed every time I looked at my email.
Today I just wanted to touch base with my lovely friends….and anyone who happens to drop by for a read. I’ll give you the update from the doc and audiologist on my Cochlear Implant soon.
This overwhelms me too. so much I want to share, but what to tell first? I don’t want you to have this long post to sort through, but do I tell you what has happened most recently, or what happened before that I still haven’t shared.
I guess it will just come as it comes. If I could just get back on track with posting I wouldn’t have this problem.
sending a wish for a happy day to all
There is so much to tell, where do I start?
I think I’ll just make a list of things that have been going on, then I’ll expand on them later….with some pictures.
First, the day after I wrote my last post be got a Foster Puppy. (that’s why I promised the next post would be happier.) For 2 weeks, we have the love of a 5 month old lab/Shepherd mix…this is a big puppy. But he was adorable, and we loved spending the time with him, fortunately Max (our cat) did not share our enthusiasm. I’ll write more about that later.
Then I had a migraine that lasted for 5 days without letting up, my meds would take the edge off a little, but not much. I spent those 5 days in our bedroom with blankets on the windows, and the doors closed. Most of the time I also had my hearing devices off. The light and sound was so unbearable. I really hate have hormone headaches. And this month was horrible. The cramps, the ….well you know what happens during that time of the month, but I will say, this was one of the heaviest periods I’ve ever had. I’ve heard that some women right before they start menopause they have worse periods. But I really don’t know about that. I need to look up much more about menopause.
Hearing with my CI is getting better. Stuart and I went to a restaurant that I can never hear in, and I heard the waitress, I ordered for myself! I carried on a conversation! This are still a bit distorted, but I’m beginning to tell male voices from female. Some things sound as they should. More on this later.
Tonight my hubby made homemade chicken soup for me, can you guess why? That’s right, I woke up in the middle of the night last night with a cold. I can’t remember the last time I’ve sneezed so much, and where does all this stuff that’s coming out of my nose come from? Ick! (btw, that’s not a serious question)
I probably have more to tell, but my head is hurting too much now. And I should try to get some rest….and some tea…oh yes, some tea will make it better.
The chicken soup was AWESOME! if you’d like the recipe you can find it here: http://wendycooks.wordpress.com/2012/04/15/the-best-chicken-soup-ive-ever-eaten/
Stuart did change one thing. We just made a huge pot of Chicken Stock, much richer than the broth the recipe makes, so he used that for the liquid. Sure is funny how chicken soup can make a cold sufferer feel so much better.
It has been a very hard week. I won’t go into details as it concerns people in my family, and I won’t talk about my family on my blog again. I’ve been contemplating all week simply closing my blog and disappearing, or making it private. But that’s stress talking, I’ve found so much support here and I want to think I’ve given a lot of support and information here too. Plus I need a place to go and just get it out. Even when I can’t talk about all of it. Let’s just say, it’s settled for now….maybe.
On the 15th, I got hit with a huge stessor! I was under extreme stress and confusion for hours. Finally, things were calming down. I was relaxing in bed, tying to breathe in the ill feelings I felt towards me, and breathe out happiness and goodness to all. I decided to have a little pineapple Greek yogurt, with a banana and nuts for desert. It is delicious. Well, what I got to eat of it. Right when Stuart brought me my decadence, I had that Wonky feeling in my head…so I took my pills and hoped it was just a blip on the radar. (Yes I know, how could I think of eating if I was feeling Wonky, but I’ve been having a lot of Wonky spells that just turn into nothing lately.) Unfortunately, before I was even finished with my treat the world was in full spin! This was one of the longest attacks I’ve ever had….and one of the strangest. It was Meniere’s, not vertigo caused by a migraine. I went through all the stages…and all the grossness. (some how while throwing up I bashed my elbow on something, and it has had a knot on it since then. It’s getting better, but I was afraid I had broken it the next day.) Again, all the throwing up and losing all bodily functions. Not being able to lift my head, except to put it in a bucket. (I even threw up on our brand new carpet….not much, thank goodness, but Yuck!)
So the vertigo kept changing speeds, it would be wild, so fast I couldn’t recognize the things spinning by, then it would slow down to the point I thought it was going to stop any second….I even dozed off a few times, just to be jerked awake by vicious spinning again! This went on for over 16 hours. Luckily I didn’t throw up the whole time, I did keep heaving though. Even before I threw up the first time, I would have the worst muscle spasms and just heave, like I had dry heaves, but nothing had started yet. This often happens to me when I have an attack, at he beginning at least, I can’t figure out why. Why does it have to hurt so bad??
Even after the spinning stopped for the next day I kept feeling like they would start back up, I couldn’t walk straight. It was a very rough 2 days.
On Friday I had an appointment with my headache pain specialist (neurologist). I was supposed to get Botox shots for my migraines. Many people have had good results from this procedure. I was a bit nervous, they do 31 shots in your head and neck/shoulder area. Alas, I did not get it done. Once again our insurance did not send a pre-approval, they didn’t deny it, but they didn’t approve it either. Just like with the Cochlear Implant. What a pain in the butt that was. Luckily, they did pay for most of it. They didn’t cover a procedure that cost about $500, testing the device after they hooked it up to me to make sure everything worked right. Can you believe? What if they hadn’t tested it, and later found out part of it wasn’t working? I’d have to go through another surgery to replace it. How bizarre. Stuart called the insurance company on Monday, I have been approved for the procedure, it just seems no one knew it. So now I have to get another appointment with this doctor…..hope it’s soon.
Sunday I had another scare. but not with vertigo. Really I wasn’t scared, it’s happened before, and I’ve been checked out, still it’s uncomfortable and yeah, it’s a bit scary. I had heart palpitations. I figured out why, but it lasted a long time. I wasn’t as careful Sunday about what I ate or drank. I do not drink caffeine very often, and if I do, it’s just a little bit. I also don’t eat much sugar. Well…I wasn’t so bright on Sunday. We were out and I had Mandarin Orange Green Tea, not thinking that Green Tea has caffeine. That would have been fine, but later in the day we were at a store and I started feeling funny, and very thirsty, we couldn’t find anything that didn’t have either caffeine or sugar. I decided to take the caffeine since I wasn’t sure if the sugared drinks had fructose. I only drank about half of the soda. After dinner I decided to have some ice cream we bought, it is Fat Free, and I was thinking Sugar Free too. Not bright. I only had about half a cup, but it was enough. I started feeling strange. I thought my blood sugar had dropped, so I ate some protein. But it didn’t work. I was sitting on the couch watching TV with my hubby and I felt like my heart was going to beat out of my chest. The doctor told me to massage one side of my neck, and it should help, she also said to put something cold on my wrist. Well I did both, for a long time. This lasted longer than I was comfortable with. Finally, things slowed down….and all was alright.
I hate how much I have to watch everything I put in my mouth. It would be difficult enough if that was all I had to deal with, but dealing with all my food issues and my other health issues is hard! I’m dealing with it, and I’m lucky I can eat as much as I can…right? I just need to be more diligent.
Well that’s all for this past week.
I promise my next post will be on a happier note.
I got this idea from one of my favorite bloggers LinLori.
I know many of you probably have questions for me, about my Cochlear Implant, any of my health issues…..ranging from Bipolar I to Chronic Pelvic Pain….and the newest diagnosis I haven’t even mentioned here yet….Vulvar Vestibulitis. You may want to ask how I deal with certain things (like grieving for Sandy), or about my relationship with my husband. You may even want to ask about my food issues. Or what my favorite things are….whatever….I’m here to answer your questions. If I possibly can.
You all know I’m an open book…I don’t mind telling the details…so if you want to know something, now is the time to ask!
Come on ask….you know you want to know.
We all have them…those little things that really annoy us. I’ve noticed lately that I have more pet peeves than I realized.
I really annoys me when:
- I write a whole post then I hit “Save” or “Publish” or “Preview”, and suddenly I’m told my login expired and I need to login again….of course, at least half of my post disappeared! Yes this just happened, and I don’t have the brain power to do it again right now. Ugh! I how annoying!
- I go to a party with many people in attendance, and the only towels in the bathroom are those little finger-tip towels. Ick! They are dripping wet within half an hour! Why do people do that?
- I go to a party and they have the rooms decorated for the party, but the bathroom is dirty. again…Ick! Of course, they also have no towel at all in the bathroom!
- I email a company and don’t get a reply, or I email a company and explain I’m emailing because I’m hearing impaired and can’t talk on the phone, then they email me back that I need to call. That’s just rude.
- Insurance companies give you the run around….for weeks and weeks.
- I am asked at the doctors before a procedure if there is any way I could be pregnant and I answer “no”, but they make me take a pregnancy test anyway…Why Ask? Just tell me to pee in a cup!
- people won’t admit to something they did wrong. (for example, we had new carpet installed last weekend, in our bedroom there are two gouges in the wall. It was covered by a paint that does not match our paint, it’s close, but it doesn’t match. They didn’t even fill in the holes, just painted over them. Now they say they didn’t do it, they said don’t have paint. I KNOW it wasn’t there before, it’s right by the door, I see it every time I walk out of the room!) Why do people not take pride in their work? Or show respect to other people….and that brings me to another pet peeve….
- people are rude! So many people are rude and do not respect others, or their environment. Think about the car that cuts you off and speeds away, only to get stopped at the same stop light you do. The person who throws trash out on the road, or in a parking lot. The person who leaves a grocery cart in a parking place. People who are rude to those who provide customer service to them….like waitresses, cashiers…ect. And on that note….
- people do not get off the phone when they are checking out of a store, or at the bank…ect. How rude is that?
- people who talk on the phone, or text when driving. Texting is simply stupid….what on earth are they thinking? But…how many times have you been aggravated by how someone is driving, only to look over and see they are on the phone? It’s illegal in our state, but people do it constantly. (and I’m not talking about hands free)
- I have to wait way past my appointment time…anywhere. Why is my time considered less valuable than the person I’ve come to see? And I really hate it when they are very late, and don’t apologize, or thank me for waiting…ect.
- people who are very educated use bad grammar. There’s a difference between someone who doesn’t know any better, and those who just don’t care. (there is one person I know who should know better, but she always says “weren’t” when she should say “wasn’t”…it makes my skin crawl.)
- people who write everywhere as if they were texting! I have a friend on Facebook who writes her status updates like that…it drives me crazy, and I will admit I often do not understand what she is saying.
- Things I’m looking forward to are delayed over and over. (I got a call from my surgeon’s office today telling me we have to reschedule my surgery from July 11th to the 19th or after! We just set up the surgery yesterday, now another delay. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m meant to get this cochlear implant. One delay after another. This should have happened 3-4 weeks ago. I’m so depressed about all of this. It has been a constant stressor for almost 2 months!) Yes! I am annoyed! Heck, I’m downright pissed!
See what I mean? I have a much larger list of pet peeves than I ever thought I would. Things used to not get to me so much. But please note, I don’t hate the people who do these things, I simply hate some of the things they do.
I must practice showing understanding, and compassion….but I’m sure some of these things will always annoy me.
What is your Pet Peeves? Are some of yours the same as mine?
Nineteen years ago today, my mother died.
I asked some people to share a memory they have of my mother….Here are some responses I received:
(from my best friend in High School) Boy, do I have memories. Let’s begin with that laugh. Especially when she laughed at television shows. And to this day, I remember her sneezes… the sound and the way she would let go of the steering wheel when she sneezed (because she didn’t want to jerk the car). The patience of a saint – especially since we would make such huge messes with Halloween decorations, fake fingernails and heaven knows the bedroom messes. And when I think about the times when we would get “that look.” You know, the one where she didn’t approve of something we did or said. She didn’t have to say a word… you knew exactly what she was thinking when she was perfectly quiet, but looking at you like you had lost your ever-loving mind. I REALLY enjoyed your mother.
(sister of my friend above) She was so funny, she always made me laugh. I can remember riding in the car with her dont remember where we were going or what we were doing but I can still remember seeing her as if we were riding in there right now!
(from a cousin) Oh darling Wendy … your mother was my second mom. When she lived in Greensboro before you were born, I would run away from home and go to her house to “live”. Of course it was just over the hill and little did I know she was standing on the porch watching for me to come over the hill and my mom was on our porch watching me climb the hill. I was never out of sight of them. What a team! I also remember the time when I was about 8 that I cut my own hair. I was so proud of myself. Needless to say we made a special trip to see your mom to get it “evened out”. LOL … guess I wasn’t the hairdresser I thought I was. I have lots of memories, but one more that I’ll share … you may remember living in Navy housing … a brick duplex. I can’t remember the name of the place but it was something park. I remember the “bug” truck coming around spraying for mosquitoes every evening. A lot of the kids would follow the truck to get in the cool mist. Your “mean” mom made us come inside … God bless her every day for having the sense to get us out of that poison.
(another dear friend from High School) I remember her sweet voice…..I sure called you enough and she always asked how I was……she was very patient with us because we would chat for some time…..back then, we didn’t have call waiting, only a busy signal….lol….
(a neighbor when I was growing up….one correction to his memory, my mother never had a rattle snake or any other poisonous snake, but she did have non-poisonous snakes) Wendy, I can remember growing up in Rock Bluff and thinking ” That lady must be crazy…she plays with snakes all the time.” She even had a pet rattlesnake! She wasn’t crazy at all as I got to know her better. She was a very kind and interesting person. I think she taught all the kids in the neighborhood how to handle snakes. Before we knew it we all were riding bikes with a snake in hand that we had caught. I thought of her and her snakes just a few days ago and wondered what ever happened to “Mrs. Calloway” but after reading this message i figured out that she passed while I was off at school.
She was a very kind and caring woman and I’m sure you miss her dearly! I’ll always have great memories of growing up in Rock Bluff and she was a big part of that!
(a sweet friend from High School – note when I asked for these memories I included my poem Memories of Mom and Me, this is what he refers to.) There is nothing more that I could say more elegantly than You. Just I Miss and Love Her to . Love You Wendy.
(a friend, but when my mother was alive I was not close to her, her sister and I were good friends, the three of us did some things together, but now I consider her a dear friend.) I remember she always seemed to be moving so fast like maybe she knew time was short. I remember thinking that when you lost her.Reminds me of a lightning bug in the summer. They have a glow that fades when the weather chills but if you have seen one just at the right moment it is never forgotten. I only met her a few times but she seemed to be so dedicated and devoted to you. A moment with a mother like that is a blessing. I am sure she is already cleaning a spot in heaven for all the people she loved.
(from my father) One of the best memory I have is when I med Flippy (my mother’s nickname), I was on the bus returning to Norfolk after a weekend at home. The bus stopped in Greensboro around midnight and I saw her getting on the bus the seat next to me was empty so I pretended to be asleep so she would sit there. Lucky me she did take that seat so not long after that we started talking, I was out of cigarettes so I ask her for one. Needless to say we didn’t sleep a bit on the bus from then to Norfolk. I got her phone number in Norfolk and called her later Monday, From that time on we fell in love and had a beautiful life together.
I’ve printed this poem before, but for those who missed it, or have forgotten, I’m including it again since I mentioned it above. This poem was written within the first few hours after my mother died, and was read at her funeral.
Memories of Mom and Me
-I look around me and all I see,
brings back memories of mom and me.
-The clouds in the sky; for hours we’d look,
picking out colors and shapes and books.
-Oh, look there’s a snap bug – remember him?
a play thing for me and mom again.
-A sea shell reminds me of a walk on the beach;
my diploma, a goal, she believed I could reach.
-Let’s go to a movie – her favorite E. T.
then go to the park and swing with me.
-An ice cream cone, a frog, a snake,
a Thanksgiving dinner we attempted to make.
-All the things around me I see,
bring back memories of mom and me.
-The people who loved her, I see in their eyes,
the love that she gave them was no surprise.
-She had a heart as big as the world
and the soul of a little girl.
-People who knew her will never forget,
because she affected everyone she met.
-Reminders of my mom are easy to see,
for there are parts of her inside of me.
by Wendy Calloway (Holcombe) June 23, 1993