Yesterday Stuart and I were talking and I told him I was grateful for many things this year. He looked at me a but stunned. Yes, it’s been a rough year.
- I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension, this knocked me off my feet for a while, and I got a bit depressed over it…but I’m so very grateful that the medication works!
- I’m still having severe vertigo attacks….but I’ve only had 3 or 4 this year…That’s amazing, and something to be grateful for!
- I have migraines, and migraine associated vertigo – I’m grateful I have a super doctor now who specializes in headaches. I’m also grateful that the vertigo I have with migraines, is not as severe as the Meniere’s vertigo.
- I lost my dearest companion of 19 years….I still miss my Sandy so much every day – but I’m so grateful she did not suffer, and I’m grateful for all the wonderful memories I have of our lives together. “Everybody Loved Sandy”
- I’m grateful my father pulled through a near death experience, and my sister was there to help him.
- I had a very hard time after someone wrote me a note that simply shook my world, and not in a good way. I’m grateful (thanks to studying Buddhism) I can breathe in that hate, and breathe out happiness and love toward others. I’m also grateful that I do not have to send a reply. It’s a rough thing to accept, but some people will not like me, may even hate me, but as long as I still like me, I’m ok.
- I lost my hearing in my left ear as of July last year (2011), and have greatly reduced hearing in my right ear. I’m very grateful for modern technology, with my cochlear implant (received July of this year) and hearing aid I can hear. I may not be able to hear as well, but with the help of technology I am not deaf all the time. I’m so very grateful for this!
- (**a TMI note) I was diagnosed with vulvar vulvodynia, a painful condition of the vulvar region. I’m so grateful that my doctor gave me topical Lidocaine, now my husband and I can have relations with much less pain. (thank goodness there are times my head stops spinning long enough to try this.) : )
- I’m grateful we were able to come to Tucson for the winter. The trip out was not as hard as I expected….Thank Goodness. The time we’ve been here so far has been rough, but I have faith I will feel better and better. I’m so grateful for the beautiful weather we’ve had so far.
- With every challenge I’ve been through this year….and I haven’t mentioned them all….I’m so grateful my husband has been right beside me, holding my hand, being the best advocate for me (he has to make many calls for me since I can’t hear on the phone, he’s a wonder at making doctors understand), he loves me, and thinks I’m so very special. I tear up just thinking about how very lucky I am to have married this wonderful man. (I am most grateful for my husband and our relationship.)
- And last but not least, I’m grateful for my friends. Especially the special people I’ve met through this blog and others. It makes me sad that others have to go through chronic illnesses with pain and suffering, but I’m grateful we can share our experiences with each other and know we are not alone.
There are many other things I could list that I’m grateful for but this post would be very long indeed. This post has made my lightened my heart and helped with things I was coming more and more depressed about, I believe I should take the time to notice the things I’m grateful for much more often.
If you are in the US, may you have a safe and joyous Thanksgiving. (remember, take care of yourself first.) I was not able to partake in the family festivities today, a migraine and unsteadiness simply would not allow it. (especially with all the noise, I admit I was afraid, this would have been the first get together since I got my CI, it’s scary going into a situation with a lot of noise when you can’t hear like you used to.)
May we all remember to take time to think about the things for which we are grateful.
Where have I been you ask? Or perhaps you haven’t noticed (don’t tell me, I want to think I was missed) I haven’t been commenting as much on other blogs, or chatting away on mine (I know for a while I’ve been a little silent here so you probably didn’t notice), I haven’t even been able to answer emails in a timely manner. I logged on today and I had over 230+ emails in my inbox. Normally there are about 30…so how many days has it been??
I’ve been much sicker, if that’s the word to use, lately. I’m not really sick, it’s my chronic stuff, plus a little oops added in. First I’ll tell about my oops.
I know in my last post 30 things you may not know….. I mentioned how hard it is for me to wash my hair. It’s normally easier in the bathtub than the shower (I’ve fallen too many times in the shower), but I’ve decided that my bathtub is evil. I’ve had heart palpitations in the tub and nearly passed out, I’ve slipped a few times trying to get out, once I smacked my head against the wall. My latest fight with the tub? I pulled the tendons in my left ankle, and knocked everything out of whack on that side from my foot to my lower back, while I was lying in the tub. Yes, I said, LYING IN THE TUB! Only me right? Ok, it was a little more than just lying still. I had scooted down in the tub to rinse my hair, then I pushed with my feet to scoot up – my left foot slipped and went in a direction it shouldn’t have. But I must say, it really didn’t hurt. When I got out of the tub I could stand fine as long as I didn’t go up on my toes. So I’m thinking, no big deal. Then Stuart looked at my ankle and said, “Oh My!”. My ankle was very swollen!! My lower back hurt, but my ankle really didn’t. If you touched the swollen area it hurt, but not much. This happened last Friday night. On Wednesday the swelling was down and I had a massage, she helped the leg and back, but last night my ankle was swollen again. (not that I’ve been on it, I had vertigo all day yesterday so I was in the bed.) So now you know. I am afraid of my tub and shower….makes it pretty hard to keep up personal hygiene, but I manage….thanks to that darling man of mine.
What else had been causing me frustration and just plan fear lately? I was supposed to have the Botox shots for my migraines on the 18th, my doctor was sick and they had to reschedule….they wanted to make the appointment in November! We are leaving for Tucson, AZ the last week on October, we won’t be here in November. So they scheduled it for October 20th…I cried. I had the worst time with migraines this past month. Right before my period started the pain started…they gave me special medication for that time of the month, it didn’t work. I had 15 days out of 20 were spent in a dark room, often without any hearing device on because the light and sound would make me throw up. Throw in some vertigo, and we have a great party going on. Luckily, the appointment has just been changed to October 3rd. This should be during my period, so it will be a real test. Big problem now? If it works I need to have another shot regimen in 3 months, we won’t be here. I’m not sure I can find a neurologist in Tucson who would be willing to see me just once to give me Botox injections. Actually, I doubt I will be able to, so it will be more like 5 months between injections.
Recently I’ve been having more vertigo, and constant disequilibrium. Frankly, it scares me. I’m pretty sure some of this is Cerebrospinal Fluid Pressure. We changed my medication that controls the high pressure to a times released form instead of the kind I have to take numerous times a day (I kept missing one). Since I’ve been on this new version of this medication I’ve been having symptoms like I did when my pressure was too low. I started back on the regular form of the medication yesterday, I hope this really is what’s wrong. Because the vertigo is scary. I’m proud of myself about how much better I’m dealing with it. I don’t panic as much, I’m sure I would if it was a severe attack. My biggest fear I have is that when a severe attack hits it will never end. I’ll give you an example of my days…Yesterday I woke up to the word spinning, slowly, but still spinning…this went on all day. Luckily, I was able to sleep through some of it. Then when it actually got to be bedtime, I couldn’t sleep. So many things going through my head. I kept thinking, something doesn’t add up….but I’m not sure what…at least I finished Uncle Tom’s Cabin…and still laid awake until 5am. Today, I’m not spinning, but I can’t walk straight. I can’t move my head at a normal speed or I will fall down from the disequilibrium. In the past 48 hours, I’ve been to the bathroom once unaided.
OK…I know this is another venting post. But I’m scared. What if the change in medication doesn’t work? Then why is this happening? We’ll figure it out, or I’ll learn to live with it! Right?
The other night I was talking to Stuart and told him that sometimes I envy people who don’t have to feel like I do. Of course, he said that’s natural, part of self-preservation and all that…. I then told him, I would gladly be the only person in the world who had to feel this way if no one else ever did. And I mean it. The thought that others go through this is heart breaking to me.
I do have some good news about my hearing! (unfortunately I had to cancel the last 3 appointments I’ve had with my audiologist because I was too ill to go, so I can’t tell you what she has to say, but I have some Wow! news.) Stuart got The Lorax DVD from Netflix and we curled up in bed and watched it on the computer. I used the direct link cable and linked the computer sound up to my processor. I didn’t expect to hear any better than I hear the TV, I thought I’d mostly read the movie, as usual (thank goodness for closed captioning!), but this was different! I heard the movie!! I heard the characters the way they were supposed to sound! I really heard it all, just right! Isn’t that amazing? That gives me hope that one day my CI will give me sounds that are normal. Right now, I hear better with it than my hearing aid, but sounds are a bit off, however, I understand things more. It’s coming along! And The Lorax is my new best friend!
On May 1st, I saw the audiologist and ear doctor and as my ear doctor said…..”Your hearing sucks!”
On my hearing tests the word recognition in my left ear was again 0%, and the right ear was 28%. So it’s pretty obvious I don’t understand a lot of what’s being said.
On Friday, May 4th, I had the official hearing test to determine if I am a candidate for a Cochlear Implant. Yes! I am!!
Next step. Insurance authorization. It can take 4-6 weeks. During this time I need to decide which device I want (there are 3 available, and each have some pros and cons…so a lot of reading and research). Also, during this time I need to think of any questions I may have, and be prepared to ask them all. However, I understand the surgery, how the cochlear implant works, how I’ll be hearing differently, and most everything I can think of right now. I’m sure questions will arise though.
After the insurance approves everything, we just have to schedule the surgery…and it’s go.
About 2 weeks after surgery they will turn the device on. I’ve been warned I may not hear much at first. As time goes on my doctor thinks I will hear better and better. If after a few months I feel I’m hearing better out of my left ear than my right, it is a VERY big possibility that by the end of this year I may be getting a second CI. They say if you need 2 it’s better to get them close together if possible.
I was told that I am in a good place about all of this, I’ve only recently lost my hearing and people who get CI’s who recently lost their hearing normally do much better.
Right now, I’m excited at the possibility of hearing again…but cautious. I know hearing through a CI is not the same as hearing normally. I understand all surgery carries some risk. So naturally I’m cautious.
But how would you feel if you were told that in just a couple of months you could go from 0% word recognition, to hearing again. Yes, I know I may not understand everything in the beginning…heck, I may not understand anything….but it will come. I will be able to hear again.
**In other news about me…… The migraines are so much better!!! I had another round of steroids, and hopefully they have stopped the cycle. (There is some doubt right now that I have Intracranical Hypertension. If I do, it has not escalated, and the medication that should help didn’t help much. The migraine treatments have helped much more. My last lumbar puncture did show high CSF, but not very high. Actually, it was pretty low in comparison to most people who have IH…..so we don’t have to worry about a shunt any time soon, hopefully, never!)
Today’s Prompt: Word Cloud. Make a word cloud or tree with a list of words that come to mind when you think about your blog, health, or interests. Use a thesaurus to make the branches of your “tree” extend further. http://www.wordle.net/
I did a little bit of a different take on this prompt. I hope you like it.
Prompt for today: 5 Challenges. 5 Small Victories. Make a list of the 5 most difficult parts of your health focus. Make another top 5 list for the little, good things (small victories) that keep you going.
I think this is a very good prompt, and normally I’d be able to write it very easily, but the depression I’m feeling right now will make this more difficult. (yes depression, but it’s deserved, I’m not clinically depressed at the moment. I’ve had a lot to deal with, and the loss of a loved one, so I’m depressed. Please no worries about my sanity. *smiles*)
5 Challenges – 5 Most Difficult Parts of My Health Focus
- The constant changing. Things seem to be settling down, and wham I either get new symptoms or a whole new diagnosis.
- Making hard decisions. Do I get the surgery that may help? Do I try to live in the deaf world? Do I take this drug even though it has some harsh side effects? Do I get another opinion…..
- Keeping Positive. OK, I’m not doing this very well right now, but it will get better. I know it will. (there see still positive! I just think it will take longer this time.)
- Risking leaving home. This sounds like I’m afraid to leave home, and sometimes I am. I have vertigo attacks with no warning. If I’m more than 30 minutes from home and have an attack start, it terrifies me.
- How to keep my caregiver from burning out – How to keep my marriage strong through all of this.
5 Small Victories – 5 list for the little, good things that keep you going.
- For dealing with the constant changes. I decided long ago that life isn’t going to be as I expected, so I decided to change my expectations. I’m usually pretty flexible now at thinking, well this will change some things…what will it do, and how can I change to keep myself going. (I will admit here, I’ve had a new diagnosis that has thrown me for a bit of a loop, the treatments are hard, the decisions are hard. I haven’t quite gotten to the point where I feel I can think about my new expectations, I simply don’t know what to expect…but when I do, things will fall in order I’m sure.)
- Making hard decisions is still difficult, but I feel better about it because I know how to look up many resources, I know other people (on-line) who have the same issues I have so I can ask them what their experiences have been, and I’m very lucky to have a husband who helps me weigh the pros and cons and is able to look at things objectively. However, he always leaves the final decisions up to me.
- Keeping Positive. - This hasn’t been a hard thing for me until recently. I get a bit upset about things when things change…I’ll have a pity party. Then I say “Enough!” And start thinking of how I can stay positive. I think of things I can still do. I think of others who are going through the same thing, and know many of them help me see that it can be alright, and I want to help others know that too. Yes, again, recently this has been hard. I’ve had a lot dumped on me in a relatively short period of time. I’ve lost a lot. But I have no doubt that I will get back to the positive me. I still believe in living every day you feel well enough to the fullest. Even if that means just sitting out in the backyard. Do not take things for granted. And try to think of something you are grateful for every day. Sometimes I write the same thing every day for a few days because that’s all I’m feeling grateful for that I can think of….but other days I can list many things. (Toni Bernhard’s book How to be Sick, has helped me keep positive thoughts, and helped me to look at things a bit differently…I highly recommend it!)
- I risk going out of the house much more than I used to. I’m still afraid of having an attack, but I carry an emergency kit with me all the time. It contains emergency meds, water, wash cloths, small trash bags to throw up in, some Zip-Loc bags to put cloths in after being sick…..things like that. I’m still a bit leery about going more than 30 minutes from home. When I have an attack it is not pretty. I feel humiliated and degraded. I can’t stop throwing up, I can’t walk, I often have diarrhea, and cannot control my urine. So I recently decided if I’m going on a longer trip, I will need to wear disposable adult incontinent panties….just in case. If I have an attack in public, I do not want to be mortified by strangers seeing me defecate and wet myself. I also always carry emergency medication for migraines. These measures may seem a bit drastic to some, but it has made it so I can go out and not be terrified that if I have an attack I will be left with no help. I also carry my phone with me all the time and it has an emergency button if I need to call 911. I won’t be able to hear them, but I can tell when they pick up and tell them what is happening, and where I am.
- Making sure my caregiver takes care of himself, and keeping our marriage strong. This has been a bit difficult. My husband will not admit that caring for me wears on him. He will say sometimes he feels weary then he thinks about what I’m going through and it goes away. He also says it is an honor to care for me. He loves me so much, he feels honored that I trust him so much with so much that he has to see. He never gets grossed out, and always makes me feel loved, even during the most degrading moments. We keep our marriage strong ….in many ways. I thank him every day for the things he does, and when I can do things, I do. I try to do little things he really likes, for example when I can cook, I try to make things I know he loves, and that is healthy. In many ways my being sick has brought our marriage closer. One BIG thing we do, we see a counselor together. Sometimes we individually go in, but normally we are together. We can say things there and it’s safe, and if we thought it might hurt the other, she can defuse it and make us understand where it’s coming from. This has made a HUGE difference in how we treat each other.
We also take advantage of my good days. We even try hard on the bad days. We always show each other that we care. We curl up together, we massage each other (I admit I get more than I give here), we go for drives together….and on special nights when I’m really feeling good, we go on a date.
This was easier than I thought it would be. I do still have some positive outlooks still in me. Yes, I’m depressed, but I should be, as I said before. I think the only reason I haven’t been able to deal with the latest diagnosis (Intracranial Hypertension) is that I’m getting conflicting news from different doctors in my team. And I just don’t know what’s going on with this….my migraine specialist thinks most of my symptoms are caused by migraines. So the IH, may not be a big deal right now. But the medication for it is still helping, so that says I should have it….but I’m confused. So confused. But I’m positive, it will get better.
So yes, this was a good prompt. It made me think about my health issues, and it made me look deeper about things than I had been. I’ve only been dealing with the overwhelming emotions, not the thought process behind them.
So thanks WEGO HAWMC team for this prompt!
Today I’m using a prompt from the Extra prompts they sent us.
Daily Schedule. Write a list of your daily routine from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to bed. Be honest!
Honestly, I don’t have a set schedule for any day. My days are ruled by my conditions. If I’m having a day filled with vertigo, or migraines I spend the day in bed. If my hearing is way down, I spend the day as alone as possible. I often have doctor’s appointments. My days change from one to the next, a lot. If I’m feeling a bit better, I do more….
Here’s a recent weekend day.
After a restless nights sleep I awake around 9am with a blinding headache. I’m seeing double, with shadow spots on the walls. I take the medication that should lower my CSF pressure(cerebrospinal fluid pressure), and wait to see if it will relieve the pain. My husband brings me some breakfast in bed, along with the rest of my morning medications. The headache has not eased. Finally, I decide I should take some migraine and pain medication also. I try to sleep some more, this time sitting up, hoping my CSF pressure will lessen.
Noon – The headache is still there but much better, I’m hungry, but not sure I’m steady enough to go down the stairs. My husband brings me lunch. I decide to check my email, and do some things on the computer. Focusing up close is much easier than focusing at a distance.
2pm – Time for my next CSF pressure pill. I’m feeling much better, and steadier. We decide to take advantage of this time feeling a bit better. I want to go to the local Co-Op to pick up vegetables and meat for dinners for the week. We had a good trip to the store, and a nice ride home.
4pm – Home. I’m tired just from the little bit of shopping we did, and the ride. I help put the groceries away, and start to plan dinner. I turn and feel the world move. Oh no.
5pm – 9:30pm I have vertigo. This vertigo is caused by the Intracranial Hypertension, not the Meniere’s. I can tell because if I keep my head in one position and concentrate on something still close to me I will stop spinning, but if I move, the vertigo returns. If I was having a vertigo attack from Meniere’s I would not be able to stop it, no matter what.
9:30pm I am completely exhausted from the vertigo attack. Finally, I can move. I eat a little something, and head to bed….with a lot of help from my husband. Take my nightly medications, and try to sleep.
This is a somewhat normal day. I don’t always have vertigo. I do normally wake up with a blinding headache that often takes hours to get under control. And we always try to take advantage of any time that I’m feeling well enough to do something. (I know going grocery shopping doesn’t sound exciting to most, but I love to cook, so shopping for food is exciting to me.)
Prompt for today Stream of Consciousness Day. Start with the sentence “_______”just write, don’t
stop, don’t edit.Post!
(written April 5th)
“Wendy” just write, don’t stop, don’t edit. Post!
Stupid computer can’t figure out what I want to do Can’t get the dang program to close…ugh….can’t make a slideshow…I know I’ve done it before…why do I want to throw it out the window.
Heard from friend was nice, but it’s hard. Can’t do so much. Other friend told me I wasn’t a good friend because I didn’t keep in touch and didn’t make time for her when I was feeling good, she’s the busiest person I know, I looked back in my emails, the not getting together wasn’t all my fault..I apologized. A lot. But the reply I got back seemed so cold, so sterile. I just couldn’t put more of me out there…..not with everything, I just couldn’t. She wanted so much more than I could give. I want more..but when you can’t just chat on the phone, and people don’t like to email or take your written words wrong it’s so, so hard. And to see someone in their prime doing everything you will never be able to do and everything is about that, and all I can think about is my illness, what is left? I miss her…I miss them…but I have nothing….I really feel I have nothing to offer. What can I offer. I can’t even hear them to talk to them. I focus on if I can get out of bed, brush my teeth, walk outside….maybe if I’m lucky a little more….what can I talk about to people who have a full life? a job, children, acitivites, friends, interests? I’ve been so consumed with just staying alive the past 2 years. Well that’s stretching….Well no it’s not!
This past year I’ve been through so much…and I’ve persevered, and now I’m mad at me!!
I was told I was better, and would be better!!! Damn the doctors! How could they do that to me!
I had 5 months of a new life! A better life! No vertigo. I was moving on. I started to become a Foster Parent, I started to drive, I got a CAR! I was making a life….I didn’t think it would be ripped out from me.! I was so busy….I didn’t think it would end…
After those 5 months I went through 7 more lumbar punctures SEVEN with 5 or 6 sets of patches down my spine. I spent about 6 months in bed with not only CSF problems but gut troubles too. I’ve gained nearly 60 lbs. I feel old, fat and ugly. I don’t like me any more….yet I do. I do. I’m proud of the way I’ve handled things.
I’ve had 2 in depth surgeries on my ears. Surgeries that took my ears almost completely off and drilled to my brain, and left holes in my skull the size of a 50cent piece. But they worked…I think.
I’m now told I have high CSF pressure…Intracranial Hypertension. Serious, rare. My hearing in my “good” ear is almost gone.
Now I’m falling apart….and I’m angry at myself about it!!!?????
I’ve been so resilient, so adaptive, so….I can handle it.It may not be what I expected…so I’ll change what I expected…NOW….I’m just plain scared and mad. I thought I was mad at everyone, I’m taking it out on everyone….But I’m so angry at me. I’m angry I’m not bouncing back, and I’m angry I’m not more tenacious, and I can’t do more and damnit….I’m angry that my body is doing this to me! I’m angry I can’t lose weight….I’m MAD AS HELL!
I’m angry I’m sick! And I have to deal with it. I have been dealing with it. But right now…I’m not doing the best with that. However, I know me, and I will. I’ll get it together, and get myself another lease on life. Life is good.
I have such a good husband. It can’t be all bad. I must think of the good days.
With Meniere’s I have fluctuation hearing loss, with eventual permanent hearing loss.
If you are a regular reader you know my situation, if not I’ll fill you in.
Right now, my left ear has 0% word recognition and cannot be helped with a hearing aid, my right aid has about 80% word recognition with the help of a hearing aid. However, the hearing fluctuates. My hearing fluctuates more with weather changes, and when I have a Meniere’s attack. (to learn more about Meniere’s please see the page above).
One day a few weeks ago I woke up and could barely hear. Every sound sounded like it was coming through a busted speaker. The same went on for 3 days. I admit this had me concerned. When I lost the hearing in my left ear, the majority was lost in just 3 short months. The loss started in this fashion. Sounding like a busted speaker, having a tinny sound. Normally, in my right ear when the hearing fluctuated, it simply dropped, then would return, sometimes not quite all the way, but when it dropped, it was just a bit softer, not this tinny sound. So I was nervous. And I realize, this could still be a sign of potential nerve damage.
However, in about 3 or 4 days, I had a vertigo attack. Classic sign of a Meniere’s attack. Fluctuating hearing, then a vertigo attack, ending in complete exhaustion. When I woke the next day. I could hear again! I was so thrilled. I had a horrible headache, but I could hear. Who knows how long this hearing may last. I decided to do something I rarely do, I took much medication to get my headache under control, and went outside hoping to hear some birds. Sadly I didn’t hear any birds. I was not the right time of the day. But being outside was so nice. I decided to sit on the back porch and enjoy the beautiful spring late afternoon. Soon I was joined by a friend.
A huge bumble bee decided I would make a good friend. I was out on the back porch for at leash half an hour possibly more, this lovely bumble bee kept me company the entire time. He would come closer, then go a little bit away. He faced me, then raced away and buzzed right back. I talked to him and told him how beautiful he was and how I was out there hoping to hear things I may not hear much longer. As if he could hear me, he came up right beside my head, I could not only HEAR this beautiful Bumble Bee BUZZ, I felt it!! He then came around in front of me and looked at me. I know, this was just by chance, and perhaps because I had on a bright orange shirt. However, no matter how long I live, and no matter if I lose all of my hearing, I will never forget the day I heard a bee buzz.
“Quick Send Money Now!”
Yes, I have brain disorder,
But, I’m not Stupid!
Cannot Hear the Voice
Startled by the man behind
He assumes I’m rude
Living in Fun House
Is a scary place to live
Not knowing what’s real
The previous Haiku’s all represent health issues I deal with. The first, a little joke about having a brain disorder, Intracranial Hypertension. The second, a challenge about losing my hearing late in life. Of course, anyone who is hearing impaired may have the same struggle, I do not know. And lastly. this haiku talks a bit about living with both Intracranial Hypertension, and Meniere’s. Each cause me to have vertigo and other visual disturbances.
I hope you have enjoyed.
This is not from a prompt it’s from my heart.
This is on the ugly side. Probably a post with too much information for some. It’s very emotional, and I’m not exactly sure where it will all end…
I’ve noticed a lot since I have been diagnosed with Intracranial Hypertension that my emotions are a bit out of whack, and I haven’t had the best filter on my mouth. I cry a lot of the time, and try to be as strong as possible. I feel alone and keep reaching out trying to ask for help, but just keep alienating people.
I continue to help others if they need to talk, if they need a shoulder…but my shoulders are just so soggy lately. There are days I feel I have it all under control, my headaches are better, my vision is better, I’m getting around a bit better, so why am I a mess? Why can’t I relate to people like I normally do?
I asked the doctor, is it the condition, the medication side effects, one medication mixing with other medication, do we need to adjust my bipolar medication??? I was told, “Yes. Maybe. It’s complicated.” then I was told, “I’m sorry your condition is not easily fixed.”
Well that’s all well and good, but I’m losing everyone around me. I feel like I’m going insane. I’m so alone, and scared. It’s getting to the point that the only one who will put up with me is my husband. At least I think I do remember to tell him how much I love and appreciate him.
Then the terrors start. I’m terrified of being alone, not all the time, just some of the time. It’s more than that, I’m afraid of being without my husband. (again, not all the time, sometimes I feel very capable, then other times…Panic!!!) What if something happens and he’s not here and I have vertigo and can’t stand up, and can’t stop throwing up, and …… panic, panic….what if I’m upstairs and he’s gone and I can’t go downstairs and my blood sugar is too low and I need to eat, but can’t get down the stairs safely….panic, panic….what if….I Fall??…..what if…..OH remember to BREATHE! There are just so many things he does for me, he has no idea how much easier he makes my life. Often just by being here so I know if I need him, he’s here.
So, what do we do first…how do we sort this out? Already 2 medication changes. Soon another. This week I see my Psychiatrist to see if there is anything we need to change there. Is there any medication that is working against anything. Should we add something to help ease some of this? Will it help?
Does anyone really have any idea?
I do have bipolar I disorder, I know what it feels to not be myself. I know I’m not going through a depressive or manic swing, but I know I’m not myself, and that tells me I need to back away. Unfortunately, I wasn’t listening to that little voice when it first started screaming at me a few weeks ago.
Will I have any friends left at the end of this. I admit I didn’t have many at the beginning. Having a chronic illness for this long is not good for keeping good relationships. No one’s fault really, it’s just very hard. But I’d like to stop alienating the few people I do have supporting me.
Right now, I plan to finish this months writing challenge then take a Hiatus from my blog for a while and try to get this straightened out. I don’t feel like I’m myself lately, and I don’t want to be putting words out there that aren’t really want I want to say.
I hope those of you who have been on the confusing end of my emotions recently can find a way to understand and forgive. After the 1st of May, I plan to just take a break, I hope to see you soon.