Did we buy a house built on a burial ground? Are we to be cursed forever? I can have positive thoughts and depression in the same day…..yes I am feeling the bipolar bug a biting.
I wanted to write a memorial anniversary post about Sandy on the 18th, but I was losing consciousness at the headache pain neurologist office because I had such a migraine. I couldn’t even wear my hearing technology, I went in deaf, because sounds hurt so much. I had my sunglasses on and a hat to block out as much light as I could. Stuart took care of everything. I passed out twice, once I didn’t know where I was when I came to….and it had only been seconds. I could barely talk, and I can’t even hear my own voice.
It’s those days that make it hard to find the positive. And to top it off……
Stuart got laid off the day before. Out of the blue. Company got some new investors and started restructuring….’nuf said.
I probably have a ton more to say, I have hit some posts here and there….I’m sorry. I still have 400 emails in my inbox. If you have emailed me…I promise I’ll get to it….or resend it please…who knows what is lost in that pile.
My head is hurting so much.
I must get off the computer. I’m not on here every day. I hope after getting back on Botox on the 7th, it will get better…may take a couple of months of treatments.
thank you all of sending healing thoughts my way. I send out health and wellness thoughts to you all each night. I breathe in your pain and out healthy thoughts.
(oh and don’t worry about the Bipolar Bug…I’m seeing both types of exterminations soon…yes I know it can’t be killed, but they can get it more under control. I don’t want to feel like I’m just waiting to die. But days like my trip to the neurologist, I feel like that….or I did. I’m so confused about feelings right now and I know not to trust them. Also hormonal time…so my emotions are being toyed with…as long as I know this, I can handle it.)
(I wanted a cool graphic for this, but just didn’t feel like drawing….in too much pain.)
Thank you to all who have commented here and I haven’t been to your blog, or at least not very often….I care more than I can say.
We’ve been home almost two weeks, it doesn’t feel that long to me. The first few days I felt better, just exhausted, so I rested a lot. Then I started feeling wonky, and having a lot of migraines. Nearly every day I turn to Stuart and say, “It’s not a good day.” The disequilibrium has been so very bad, I’ve only been on the computer once since I’ve been home. (I hope I haven’t had any important emails). When I try to read on the computer I feel car sick. I can’t stay on for very long, but today I’m going to try to do some things, a little bit at a time. I also haven’t been out of bed other than to go to the bathroom except one day, and I didn’t last long. I think I’d try to venture out more if we didn’t have someone staying with us. (our house sitter asked to stay until June 14th, she’s moving then, and Stuart said yes….long story). It terrifies me to have an attack in front of someone other than Stuart, or a doctor. Even doctor’s make me uneasy. So, going downstairs takes a lot of courage right now. (not that she’s here all the time, but I’m still uneasy). Don’t get me wrong, I do like her, but right now I would feel this way about anyone staying here. I’m simply not having good days.
There really isn’t much more to say today, I wanted all to know I’m still alive. I’m going through a time of change. We’ll see where it leads, but Picnic With Ants may change considerably.
I can tell I’m very depressed, and have been for months. Last year was very difficult for me, and the beginning of this year hasn’t been a walk in the park. I see my new psychiatrist on Thursday, I think, I’m anxious to see if she has any suggestions. I’m really tired of doctors telling me that if I could exercise more it would help my moods….well I can’t, so what am I supposed to do?
I have lot’s of doctor’s appointments over the next two weeks. I’m overwhelmed just thinking about it. Hopefully, all will go smoothly.
Thanks for staying around. I feel like I’ve lost so much over the last year…or more… But that’s for another post.
I was awakened, after being asleep less than 2 hours, by hearing the words: “Ow!, Ow!. Ow!”. Imagine my surprise when I realized the words were coming out of my own mouth. Suddenly I realized just how much pain I was in. My head was at an odd angle and my neck was screaming with pain, my head was throbbing, and my stomach and bladder were causing extreme discomfort. As I hobbled to the bathroom I found the words, “Ow!….” continuing to come from my mouth. (Funny thing, I can’t really hear me say it, but when I woke up it really did sound as if the words were coming from outside my body….strange how deafness works sometimes.)
I stretched my neck and put ice on it and it felt much better, my head was also starting to ease some. The pain in my bladder and stomach were a different story. My stomach literally felt like it was being eaten from the inside out. Over production of acid is not a pleasant feeling. I tried to eat a little something to calm the pain down, I took extra medication for my acid reflux, but it takes time to work. I’ve never had it so bad before, I could not touch my stomach without it causing more pain. I would love to have been able to take Maalox, it was always my go-to fix when my stomach was acting like this, but unfortunately I haven’t been able to find Maalox or any medication like it that I can take, they all have something that will cause my fructose malabsorption to attack. I’m happy to report after a couple of days of a pretty bland diet, and extra acid reflux medication, my stomach is once again pain free…..for now. I do try hard to not eat anything that will cause excess acid production, and I don’t think I did eat anything offending before this, however, stress can also cause excess acid production, and the pain from my bladder was causing me much stress.
When I first saw the doctor here I was having pain in my bladder and she tested my urine and found nothing, I have an irritable bladder and we decided it was just spasming. So when this pain started I thought it may be the same. Unfortunately, this pain kept getting worse and worse. Every time I moved it hurt. Sitting was very painful, so was walking. I’m sure everyone who’s ever had a UTI will also know that I was having to go more than usual, but couldn’t urinate once I got in the bathroom…and it was very painful. All of this started on Sunday, the 3rd, I had just finished my antibiotics and steroids for the bronchitis 2 days before. I couldn’t believe I had an infection again. I upped my already large amount of water I drink, trying hard to flush things out. By Thursday, the 7th, I was convinced it wasn’t irritable bladder talking, something was wrong. So off to see the doctor again. Unfortunately, the doctor I’ve seen before is out on medical leave. (I hope she is alright, I mentioned before that she had pneumonia last month, so I’m a bit concerned.) I saw another doctor in the office. Not someone I really want to see again I felt like he talked down to me, as if I was not able to understand things. Stuart thinks I’m a bit too sensitive, and maybe I am, but this visit started off wrong (and Stuart later told me that he didn’t have a good feeling about this doctor either). I told the doctor I have profound hearing loss and could not hear him. He raised his voice a little, but didn’t look at me when he was talking, it didn’t help when I did see his mouth as he had a lot of facial hair and I couldn’t see his lips well enough. I had to rely on Stuart to tell me what was going on. He asked if I’d been running a fever, I explained that my normal temperature is 97.4F, and it has been around 99F recently. He said, that’s not a fever, everyone fluctuates. (Then why ask me??) I told him about just finishing antibiotics and just couldn’t believe I had an infection so fast….he says that antibiotics don’t stop you from getting something else….but it was the way he said it, as if what I said was stupid. I never said they did, I am just overwhelmed that I’ve been sick so much recently. I asked him about a medication I have for irritable bladder that is expired and wanted to know if I should get a new prescription….he went into this long tirade about how medicines don’t explode after the expiration date, and how there have been studies that medication that hasn’t been opened is good for years after the expiration date. I was so confused at how he was talking to me….and yes I heard most of that. I told him that I know different chemicals have different half-lives, and I didn’t know the half-life of this medication. Well he just went on and on about how drugs are not food and they don’t just lose it because of the expiration date.
He did examine me, but I didn’t feel that he listened to me very much. That’s ok, I talk too much when I’m nervous anyway. He told me my urinalysis was negative, but that could be because I was drinking so much water it caused it to dilute the urine too much. He said I had all the classic symptoms of a Urinary Tract and Bladder infection so he was going to treat me for it. He gave me an antibiotic specifically used to treat this type of infection, and told me if I wasn’t better in 48 hours to call the doctor on call or I could wait until Monday and call him. Yeah, that’s not going to happen if I can help it. I’m feeling better. Not well, but better.
On another note….I’m so very proud of myself today!! I took a bath by myself! I even washed my hair! I haven’t taken a bath or washed my hair without Stuart’s help in a very, very long time. I’m thinking over a year. Don’t worry I wasn’t being irresponsible. Stuart was in the house and on alert for my call. He also just couldn’t stay away the whole time and came in to check on me. But I did fine. A little wobbly, but that often happens with temperature changes (cool room, hot water). Or it just happens any time….heck most of the time…so I’m getting pretty used to it and how to handle it. Being extra cautious, have hand holds, non-slip surface under my feet…..
(at this point I got too hot while writing this and started to feel funny, so I had to put it down. Today, Tuesday February 12th, is the first day I’ve felt like coming back to the computer. I think I’ll end this post here If I start where I left off I’ll be writing another VERY long post….so I’ll have to write more soon)
Throughout my journey having chronic illnesses I’ve fought hard to not allow my illnesses to define me. Yes they are a part of me, but they aren’t all of me. I worked hard to keep some sense of normalcy in my life…and to try my best to keep true to me.
I feel after everything that happened this past year….and not all of them had to do with my illnesses…I lost myself. I became the sick person. I stopped trying to be me. I stopped posting regularly, I stopped doing my art, I stopped cooking (partially because I had a dizzy spell while cooking and almost hurt myself, but I’ve been to scared to start back)….I’ve been living in fear and self loathing.
2012 was one of the hardest years I’ve lived through, (topped only by 1993, the year my mother died). I had 2 new chronic diagnoses, my dearest friend and constant companion of 19 years died (yes I am talking about Sandy), I had contact from someone I’ve loved unconditionally who I haven’t heard from in years and the correspondence was filled with hatred….just true and deep rooted hatred. It would be hard enough for me to deal with anyone hating me, but this person….well the wound cut deep. It’s so hard to explain. I don’t remember a lot of my life before I got my bipolar stable, and I’ve changed so much since I met and married my husband, and since I’ve been sick. I love me…me as a person.
But me as a person was lost. I didn’t realize it until we came to Tucson and I got so sick. Not just my normal chronic illnesses, but more and more. I had a cough that wouldn’t go away…I’m still coughing some. I finally saw the doctor, and I had bronchitis and Asthma. I was born with Asthma, so I’ve known it was there, but supposedly I’d “grown out of it”. I would have an attack if I got around someone with perfume on, or someone smoking, or around things I’m allergic to. But now, I’m dealing with it every day. And unfortunately, I had more vertigo attacks in November than I had the entire year combined. I’ve also been having a huge problem with my GI system. I know my food issues and I’m careful, but things sneak in….and I had no idea….still I’m having bowel issues. And I’m gaining weight. I’m back to being 5 pounds from my largest weight. And that’s way too much for my short body.
It has just been too much. More illnesses. More conflicts to deal with. More being stuck in bed. I got lost and didn’t even know it.
I was lying in bed recently and realized how much I hate me. No, I don’t hate me as a person, I actually like the person I’ve become. Adversity really does create good people. (and I think I am a good person) But, me…my body….I hate it. I’m larger than I want to be, or should be. I have no energy, I’m sick ALL THE TIME! I feel my body betrayed me. And I don’t want anyone to see me when I’m ill. When I do actually get to see someone, I try my best to look my best. I know this probably causes a bit of confusion for people, I don’t look sick when they see me, so how can I be so very sick. I remember one day when friend came to visit with her 2 children. I loved seeing them, but I started to feel very worn out and dizzy before they left. I tried so hard not to let them see. Soon it was time for them to leave, Stuart and I walked them to the door, arm in arm….and when the door was closed, I collapsed. But I couldn’t let her see. I think I’m afraid if people see how sick I am they will shun me, and I will lose all my friends. But really, I think I’ve lost most of them anyway. I’ve hidden away. And I don’t think I could stand for someone to see me really sick. I’d rather be with just Stuart than for others to feel uncomfortable because I’m sick. Gaining weight hasn’t helped. People expect sick people to be underweight. Instead I’ve gained about 60 pounds.
So, now that I know what has been happening to me, I am determined to get me back. The inner me. My blog was very important to me, but I allowed someone to scare me away from it. I can’t do that. I have to write and reach out to those who can help me and those whom I may be able to help. This is such an important part of me. My art has been an important part. I wanted to have something I did consistently….but I’ve failed…I need to get that back. I need to do something that is productive and useful. I’ve felt like a useless burden for too long. I found out about a few charities in my area who knit or crochet blankets, scarves….ect….for needy. One charity that really spoke to me is one that donates to foster children, so they will have something special that was made just for them. (as many of you may know, Stuart and I had planned to be foster parents but ended up not being able to because my illness got so much worse). Foster children hold a special place in our hearts. The charity I found makes items for foster children in a neighboring county, at some point I would like to see the same type of charity started for the county we live in.
So here’s the beginnings of a plan for me. Begin doing something that will make me feel more like I’m a contributing member of society, learn to love my body no matter what size it is or how sick it is, stop listening to old ghost from the past and hope they can move past their hate and find a happy life, learn more about dealing with my new diagnoses, and learn American sign language.
I didn’t mention, I haven’t been able to hear out of my right ear…with my hearing aid…for about a month. So we really need to learn ASL. We will be starting a class here in Tucson next week. It is a beginning conversation ASL class. We will miss the last couple of classes, but feel it will be worth while. This is through a Hard of Hearing and Deaf group, many of the members are deaf or severely hard of hearing, so I shouldn’t have a problem with not being able to hear in class. (Stuart talked to the teacher and she assured him it wouldn’t be a problem, and many people who have Cochlear Implants are members there too.
This is the third attempt at writing this post.
So I shall not try to explain things, or guess at things, I’m just going to tell what is happening.
Vertigo!!! Nearly constant. mini spins, mid-line spinning, and horrendous attacks. When I was diagnosed with Meniere’s I was told it could be one of the worst things you can get that won’t kill you, but you may wish it would.
For the past few weeks, I wish it would.
I’m so miserable. I can’t walk without aid, and then it’s very difficult. I often can’t move my head without going into a full swing. Right now I’m having a decent moment, so I’m trying to write.
I’m scared. I went to a doctor here, and he thinks it’s allergies. (I’m not so sure, I take 3 different meds for my allergies.) He put me on steroids and gave me drops to reduce the inflammation. No infection was seen. I feel have been worse since starting the medication. I’m supposed to see him again on Friday, the 21st, but Stuart is calling him tomorrow.
I can’t be left alone. We are having a hard time. Stuart needs to leave to go grocery shopping and such, but it’s almost impossible. He left for a bit last night to shop, and I ended up spinning and terrified. I called him, but of course I could hear when he answered, I just kept saying help. He found me in a lump on the floor. I know it scared him as much as it did me. I am not prepared to take care of these attacks by myself. I know I have, but it is terrifying even with help.
We came to Tucson hoping I would feel better here. Oh how wrong I was! I never thought I would feel worse! The same maybe, but not worse. I’ve seen family once the whole time we have been here. I haven’t seen any friends. I’m just so sick. I often can’t even move my head.
I want to be home where my doctors are. I don’t know if Tucson is doing this to me, or if it would have happened any way, but either way, I want my doctors! But now, I don’t know how we would get home. Riding in a car is torture. I can only imagine what riding in a plane would be like. I often can’t lift my head without spinning very fast.
So that’s all I can write for now.
I made a huge mistake, I should never have left NC. Having family and friends close here is nice, we do have some people we can call on…but this is new to them, how long would the charity last? At home we don’t really have a support system….but I have my doctors….and that’s important! If I could have the support from those here, and my doctors in the same place, I would be a much happier person.
Anyone reading this who are close to us now. Stuart could really use some help….it’s hard for him to admit, but he is overwhelmed by all of this, I can tell.
(also my migraines are back with a vengeance. I think the Botox has worn off. It really seemed to help for a while!)
Yesterday Stuart and I were talking and I told him I was grateful for many things this year. He looked at me a but stunned. Yes, it’s been a rough year.
- I was diagnosed with Idiopathic Intercranial Hypertension, this knocked me off my feet for a while, and I got a bit depressed over it…but I’m so very grateful that the medication works!
- I’m still having severe vertigo attacks….but I’ve only had 3 or 4 this year…That’s amazing, and something to be grateful for!
- I have migraines, and migraine associated vertigo – I’m grateful I have a super doctor now who specializes in headaches. I’m also grateful that the vertigo I have with migraines, is not as severe as the Meniere’s vertigo.
- I lost my dearest companion of 19 years….I still miss my Sandy so much every day – but I’m so grateful she did not suffer, and I’m grateful for all the wonderful memories I have of our lives together. “Everybody Loved Sandy”
- I’m grateful my father pulled through a near death experience, and my sister was there to help him.
- I had a very hard time after someone wrote me a note that simply shook my world, and not in a good way. I’m grateful (thanks to studying Buddhism) I can breathe in that hate, and breathe out happiness and love toward others. I’m also grateful that I do not have to send a reply. It’s a rough thing to accept, but some people will not like me, may even hate me, but as long as I still like me, I’m ok.
- I lost my hearing in my left ear as of July last year (2011), and have greatly reduced hearing in my right ear. I’m very grateful for modern technology, with my cochlear implant (received July of this year) and hearing aid I can hear. I may not be able to hear as well, but with the help of technology I am not deaf all the time. I’m so very grateful for this!
- (**a TMI note) I was diagnosed with vulvar vulvodynia, a painful condition of the vulvar region. I’m so grateful that my doctor gave me topical Lidocaine, now my husband and I can have relations with much less pain. (thank goodness there are times my head stops spinning long enough to try this.) : )
- I’m grateful we were able to come to Tucson for the winter. The trip out was not as hard as I expected….Thank Goodness. The time we’ve been here so far has been rough, but I have faith I will feel better and better. I’m so grateful for the beautiful weather we’ve had so far.
- With every challenge I’ve been through this year….and I haven’t mentioned them all….I’m so grateful my husband has been right beside me, holding my hand, being the best advocate for me (he has to make many calls for me since I can’t hear on the phone, he’s a wonder at making doctors understand), he loves me, and thinks I’m so very special. I tear up just thinking about how very lucky I am to have married this wonderful man. (I am most grateful for my husband and our relationship.)
- And last but not least, I’m grateful for my friends. Especially the special people I’ve met through this blog and others. It makes me sad that others have to go through chronic illnesses with pain and suffering, but I’m grateful we can share our experiences with each other and know we are not alone.
There are many other things I could list that I’m grateful for but this post would be very long indeed. This post has made my lightened my heart and helped with things I was coming more and more depressed about, I believe I should take the time to notice the things I’m grateful for much more often.
If you are in the US, may you have a safe and joyous Thanksgiving. (remember, take care of yourself first.) I was not able to partake in the family festivities today, a migraine and unsteadiness simply would not allow it. (especially with all the noise, I admit I was afraid, this would have been the first get together since I got my CI, it’s scary going into a situation with a lot of noise when you can’t hear like you used to.)
May we all remember to take time to think about the things for which we are grateful.
I always hoped I’d never need it. When I made up my emergency kit it was more a peace of mind thing, not a real thought that I’d ever need it. On Wednesday, I was so grateful I had that emergency kit! (TMI -This post contains information that may be too much for some people.)
The day started off so wonderful. You can see that in the last post….but later that afternoon I was hit with an attack, and I was in public! We decided to go out and check out a few stores that carry allergy friendly foods, but we were hungry and thought we’d grab a bite to eat. (yes I know, too much food out…too much sodium! But I had steamed chicken with vegetables and rice, no sauce….I ordered smart!) We were sitting in the restaurant and Stuart pointed out something to my left and over my head, I glanced at it and everything spun around. It scared the mess out of me! First I started to panic, then I felt it was slowing down. I thought it was Migraine Associated Vertigo and would pass after I took my migraine medication and emergency pills. Boy was I wrong! I took the pills and things didn’t get better. I was getting sick. Very sick, and the world was spinning faster and faster. I handed Stuart my purse and asked him to get my emergency kit. I needed to cool down, and I needed something to throw up in (just in case). I have cold packs in my emergency kit that turn cold when you twist them…or hit them really hard. This was a wonderful thing. I needed to cool down my core fast. We left the restaurant as soon as I could stand. It had slowed down so I thought the medication was finally working and we could get home with minimal discomfort.
I was VERY wrong again! We drove a ways fairly well, then the spinning got so much worse. I couldn’t stand the car moving. I asked Stuart to stop the car, he couldn’t stop where we were, and I started to panic….”Please just stop the car!” It was torture. I was actually screaming before he could get stopped. He stopped. Later he told me he was not in the best spot. It was pretty public and he knew I’d feel uncomfortable. Frankly, I didn’t care, nor did I notice. I was throwing up (thank goodness for those little garbage bags I packed in the Emergency kit), and I was losing control of my bladder. I was devastated. We were in Stuart’s father’s car, it had just been detailed….I mean like an hour before we left in it….it has leather seats! How could this be happening to me, in my father-in-law’s Lexus? (luckily it was his older car, but still, leather seats!!) Stuart swears when he went to clean it up, there was nothing on the seat, and no vomit anywhere. I did miss some the last time and got it on me. I’m so glad I was wearing a reusable pad, I use them for my menstrual cycle, but I also use them most of the time in case I sneeze or cough and pee a little.
We got home, and got me inside. I collapsed on the couch and passed out. I woke up an hour later gagging, but didn’t throw up. My body was spasming, it feels like I’m convulsing (not that I’d know what that feels like first hand), this lasted what felt like hours. I got very scared. I was having a hard time breathing with the spasms, and for the first time during one of these attacks I was afraid of dying. Then i passed out again, but only for a few minutes. When I came to, I decided I wanted to try to get to the bed. We succeeded. Not without much difficulty, but I was out after that for a few hours.
I know most of you have heard my horror stories of my vertigo attacks before, but the main part of this recount is how much my emergency kit helped. In it I have cold packs (to cool me down), small trash bags (to throw up in), large Ziploc bags (to put the soiled items in…and bags that have throw-up in them), wash cloths (to wipe my mouth, and help cool me down when they are wet), extra meds (we always have my emergency pills on us, this is an extra safe guard and it has more meds than I usually carry), a card explaining what is happening to me…and I keep a water bottle with me (normally this is just to drink from, but when I’m having an attack it helps to wet wash cloths and I need to rinse my mouth).
I will never think I can go without that kit again. I was recently thinking it was taking up too much room in my bag, no more! If I go out with nothing else, I will have my kit!
I’ve been working on this post since Thursday, the day after it happened. I’ve had days and days of extreme disequilibrium. I couldn’t move my head at all without seeing the world move. It was like it just didn’t keep up with my head….strange. I just started walking some unaided yesterday. Today I feel better and can get around by myself, but I still feel a bit wobbly. I’m pretty sure this wasn’t just a Meniere’s attack. My hearing in my right ear did drop significantly, and hasn’t returned to its normal level…that’s weird for me, normally after the attack ends the hearing comes back…at least almost to where it was. We think I had another spinal “blow out”, and my Cerebrospinal Fluid Pressure (CSF) dropped. Stuart suggested the first night after the attack to not take my medication that controls the high CSF, it’s a strong diuretic and I couldn’t afford to lose any more fluids. But I started taking them again the next day after I was sure I was well hydrated. Then things didn’t get better. I was scared that I would feel that way all the time. I was having a big pity party for myself (sorry I didn’t invite you all). Yesterday morning, Sunday, I woke up feeling much better. I took my CSF medication, then I got up and fixed myself some breakfast. After making breakfast I turned and the world spun, dang-it! But it was at that time I realized my CSF pressure was too low. I had all the symptoms…the wooshy head, a headache when standing..ect. I went back to bed and lied down flat and the symptoms lessened and went away. Ah…yep, low CSF. So yesterday I spent the day lying flat. I’m holding off on the high CSF medication until I get signs of high CSF, then I’ll ramp back up on them.
Today I’m feeling much, much better, but still weak. My main goals for the day are a shower, and finishing this post…not necessarily in that order.
I’m sure I’ll feel better and better. The weather here is still gorgeous. We had an overcast day, but it was still nice. Today we have the windows open and are enjoying the fresh air.
For months now…oh about six…I haven’t had the desire to do much. Blogging always helped me deal with things and I’ve found support here I never thought possible…but I just haven’t felt like it. I’ll think about blog posts, write them in my head, but then in the day I don’t get out my computer and get in touch with the world. I keep thinking I’m snapping out of it, and I am better…and I do think I’m pulling myself out of this depression now, but it was there sitting on my shoulder, whispering in my ear “What’s the point?”
It’s almost 6 months since Sandy died, and I’ve been consumed with grief and guilt. I know I don’t have a reason to feel guilty, but all the “should have, would have, could have” questions kept swimming around in my head. Those kind of questions don’t do any good at a time like this, but they’ve been surrounding me…all the “What if’s…”
I still expect to see her, and occasionally, out of the corner of my eye, I could swear she was there. I will feel her on the bed, and nothing is there. There have been times I could have sworn I heard her. (Now I wonder how many times I heard noises and thought they were her and they were something else?)
A lot of people would not understand this deep grief I feel for the loss of my dog. But she was more than just a dog to me…she was a constant companion for 19 years, my Baby Girl, my Sugar Plum Fairy…or as Stuart would call her, our “Stinky Dog”. No Sandy wasn’t a Stinky dog. It is a term of endearment from my husband, if he makes up a little song about you and it says you are stinky then he must love you dearly.
Because of this lack of understanding, and the feeling within myself that I shouldn’t feel like this still, I’ve been feeling very alone with these emotions. I hid a lot of it from Stuart for a while, but recently I haven’t been able to.
Two nights ago, I had a complete breakdown. Nothing sparked it, nothing. I was just about to doze off, and it started. I ended up crying (read sobbing uncontrollably) for almost two hours. Since then I have felt a release. I’m still crying over her, but something broke during that night of gut wrenching sobbing. I feel freer from the guilt than I have, I feel like I can move on….that doesn’t mean I’m forgetting my dearest Sandy Girl and everything she means to me, but I hope it means I can begin to see the sun again. I’m kicking that little guy off my shoulder, he will no longer be able to whisper those disparaging words to me. I love Sandy, and always will. I know I did the best I could for her, even if i do question that sometimes. More so, I question if the vet did the best she could have done for her, but I need to let that go too. (However, Max has a new vet now.)
I know she was 19 1/2. That’s amazing I’m told. But just days before she died she was chasing the cat, curling up with me, and just such a happy dog. I remember how every time she ate her dinner she wagged her tail the whole time. I need to think more about the good memories, and remove the shroud that has been over me holding in just the memories of her last days. Sandy brought me too much love to dwell on the tragedy of her death.
I won’t make promises that I will be here more often, but I think I will be….I need to get back to my friends, and managing my life, instead of allowing it to manage me.
(there may be many errors in this post, I just can’t read it again right now.)
I’m sorry to my followers, my friends, that I have not been around much. I am a bit overwhelmed by so much that has been going on that I haven’t told you about, and I’ve been sucked into a depressive state. I keep trying to pull out of it, I even have a new medication, but I’m still just blah. I wake up in the morning, and often feel awful for the first hour or two, it takes me a while to feel like a real person, then when I actually feel alright, I think what reason do I have to get out of bed?
I don’t find pleasure in the things I used to be so passionate about, like art, cooking, blogging….ect. I do still find pleasure in reading, perhaps it is an escape? I also still find pleasure with my husband, just being next to him makes me feel better.
I will be seeing my psych. tomorrow, I’ll discuss this with him, and we’ll see if I should increase the antidepressant I’m on, or try something else. I’m sure he can help pull me out of this.
If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know that I’m normally very positive. This turn of emotions has hit me like a wall, I don’t feel like myself. I need to get my positive outlook back.
The ironic thing about this, I’m actually much better. I have the weird feelings when I first wake up, but I think that’s because I’ve been horizontal for so long that my cerebrospinal fluid raises a bit, and I have to sit up for a while, and take my medicine before I feel better.
I’m still having migraines, but they aren’t as intense. I’m still having Migraine Associated Vertigo (MAV), but not as often, and when I do it doesn’t last as long. Maybe I’m just getting the medication in faster, all I know is it’s better. I’m still having chronic migraines though, yes they are better, but they still knock me out of commission for a while, so my doctor is starting a new treatment plan. We want to get it where I’m having much fewer migraines, not just less intense.
No Meniere’s vertigo!
My surgery has FINALLY been scheduled! July 19th, I will receive my bionic ear! (my implant is from Advanced Bionics…so I can literally say I will have a bionic ear!) Two weeks after surgery they will turn on the cochlear implant. (I wrote a post telling all about the processors I chose, but that’s the one WordPress deleted half of, so I need to finish it again…I will try to do that soon, so you can see what will be hooked to the side of my head. I’m sure you are all eager to see that! : ) Just wait until you see it actually on my head!
Other things that have been happening: We got new carpet. We replaced our worn out couch. We had our mattress replaced under warranty…it wouldn’t bounce back. So the house is full of chemical smells, and I’m so sick! I keep trying to stay in rooms with less chemical smells, but I’m still coughing so much my throat is sore, my head hurts, I’m so tired all the time….ect. I’ll be so happy when I can breathe in my own house again!
Tell me is it normal to feel down when you start feeling better? Yes, I’m feeling better but not to the point that I can do everything I want. Since I feel better, I’ve begun to resent that I can’t drive, I can’t have that independence. I hate that Stuart has to be with me for me to leave the house. I know with the uncertainty of vertigo it’s even dangerous for me to walk around the block by my self. I resent that I have to be careful of all the food that I eat. We took a little trip this weekend, and it was so very hard to find food that I could eat. I felt horrible, every time we wanted to eat it was such an ordeal. It’s not so bad locally, we know places that are safe, but I didn’t think about not being able to find safe food on the road. We tried so hard to make sure everything I ate was safe for me, but still I got sick. On the way home we had to stop numerous times so I could run to the bathroom. I was so embarrassed to have that happen in a public restroom. eww.
I used to find it a challenge and a pleasure to cook even with my restrictions. I thought it was interesting to figure out how to change a recipe so I could eat it. Now I resent that I can’t eat some things. That I can’t cook whatever I want. I don’t like this feeling.
Oh, I almost forgot, I had a birthday. July 2nd! My husband is a dear man, he celebrated my birthday for 4 days, and I’m getting my main present today! So, still celebrating… he’s done something sweet for me every day since Friday! He really made up for the one time he forgot my birthday! haha Funny thing, I thought I was turning 50 this year. Stuart and I were walking along one day last month and mentioned my birthday, I said that this one was a big one, he asked why 49 was big for me, I said, “No, I’ll be 50!” He looked at me, and said “No Wendy you will just be 49″. I was sure I was going to be 50! He said, “What year is it?” I said, 2012….Ooooh! I guess I’ll be 50 next year.” How silly was that? Here I’d been telling people for months that I was turning 50 this year! hahaha
Well, I think that’s all I can purge out of myself at the moment.
I will try my best to blog more often, I really want to become passionate about it again. I’ve missed my friends.
We all have them…those little things that really annoy us. I’ve noticed lately that I have more pet peeves than I realized.
I really annoys me when:
- I write a whole post then I hit “Save” or “Publish” or “Preview”, and suddenly I’m told my login expired and I need to login again….of course, at least half of my post disappeared! Yes this just happened, and I don’t have the brain power to do it again right now. Ugh! I how annoying!
- I go to a party with many people in attendance, and the only towels in the bathroom are those little finger-tip towels. Ick! They are dripping wet within half an hour! Why do people do that?
- I go to a party and they have the rooms decorated for the party, but the bathroom is dirty. again…Ick! Of course, they also have no towel at all in the bathroom!
- I email a company and don’t get a reply, or I email a company and explain I’m emailing because I’m hearing impaired and can’t talk on the phone, then they email me back that I need to call. That’s just rude.
- Insurance companies give you the run around….for weeks and weeks.
- I am asked at the doctors before a procedure if there is any way I could be pregnant and I answer “no”, but they make me take a pregnancy test anyway…Why Ask? Just tell me to pee in a cup!
- people won’t admit to something they did wrong. (for example, we had new carpet installed last weekend, in our bedroom there are two gouges in the wall. It was covered by a paint that does not match our paint, it’s close, but it doesn’t match. They didn’t even fill in the holes, just painted over them. Now they say they didn’t do it, they said don’t have paint. I KNOW it wasn’t there before, it’s right by the door, I see it every time I walk out of the room!) Why do people not take pride in their work? Or show respect to other people….and that brings me to another pet peeve….
- people are rude! So many people are rude and do not respect others, or their environment. Think about the car that cuts you off and speeds away, only to get stopped at the same stop light you do. The person who throws trash out on the road, or in a parking lot. The person who leaves a grocery cart in a parking place. People who are rude to those who provide customer service to them….like waitresses, cashiers…ect. And on that note….
- people do not get off the phone when they are checking out of a store, or at the bank…ect. How rude is that?
- people who talk on the phone, or text when driving. Texting is simply stupid….what on earth are they thinking? But…how many times have you been aggravated by how someone is driving, only to look over and see they are on the phone? It’s illegal in our state, but people do it constantly. (and I’m not talking about hands free)
- I have to wait way past my appointment time…anywhere. Why is my time considered less valuable than the person I’ve come to see? And I really hate it when they are very late, and don’t apologize, or thank me for waiting…ect.
- people who are very educated use bad grammar. There’s a difference between someone who doesn’t know any better, and those who just don’t care. (there is one person I know who should know better, but she always says “weren’t” when she should say “wasn’t”…it makes my skin crawl.)
- people who write everywhere as if they were texting! I have a friend on Facebook who writes her status updates like that…it drives me crazy, and I will admit I often do not understand what she is saying.
- Things I’m looking forward to are delayed over and over. (I got a call from my surgeon’s office today telling me we have to reschedule my surgery from July 11th to the 19th or after! We just set up the surgery yesterday, now another delay. I’m beginning to wonder if I’m meant to get this cochlear implant. One delay after another. This should have happened 3-4 weeks ago. I’m so depressed about all of this. It has been a constant stressor for almost 2 months!) Yes! I am annoyed! Heck, I’m downright pissed!
See what I mean? I have a much larger list of pet peeves than I ever thought I would. Things used to not get to me so much. But please note, I don’t hate the people who do these things, I simply hate some of the things they do.
I must practice showing understanding, and compassion….but I’m sure some of these things will always annoy me.
What is your Pet Peeves? Are some of yours the same as mine?