Picnic with Ants

My life disABLED with Chrnoic Ilnnesses, it just IS. Taking one moment at a time.

I Keep Writing Because…. #HAWMC Day 24

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Bonus Prompt: I keep writing because… Start your post with this sentence and, as the title says, keep writing. Free write for 15 minutes without stopping and see where it takes you.

(today’s original prompt was to post a Health Mascot.  My dog Sandy is my mascot, but I couldn’t right about that today.  She died April 18th, one day I’ll write about what a brave, and wonderful dog she was, how many health issues she had and over came, how she was as the vet often called her, “a Wonder Dog”.  But not today.)

photo from Flicker Sharing by earthunderheaven (to find more of their work click on the photo.)

I keep writing because…recently I keep writing because I am determined to finish this challenge.

Actually, I’ve begun to wonder, why I keep writing.  I know why I started, I know I have made some good contacts, friends, and my heart has been here. This blog has really helped me through some tough times when I felt no one else was listening.  I’d write, just to write, and I found there were others out there, others who felt like I did, others who needed to have that contact too.  Now, I’m hurting so much.  I’ve had so much loss this past year.  I felt I dealt with each one, I was strong, and positive.  I was told I was the most positive person someone knew.  I was proud of myself and how I was looking at life.

Then another diagnosis came earlier this year, and it has been hard to deal with.  I couldn’t be that positive about it.  I’m still a bit in shock from it, and simply not sure how to look on things positively.  I’m larger than I’ve ever been, and the doctors just seem to be ignoring it, yet they tell me my triglycerides are high, and I’m borderline high blood pressure….ect….but they all say, don’t worry about the weight right now, you have to focus on this.  I’m afraid I’m on my way to diabetes.  I read all these books on nutrition, cut out soda, all High Fructose Corn Syrup, snack on nuts, cheese, fruit, veggies, eat at home more, cut out gluten….all these will help you lose weight…but I do all of that.  so why can’t I lose weight?  I need help, I’ve been to a nutritionist, no help.  Most don’t even know what fructose intolerance is….I know more than most of the “professionals”.  I’m grieving for the loss of what I used to be, what I used to look like.  I now have no energy, can’t exercise because it will raise my CSF pressure, I can’t walk for long because of my hips, I can’t even enjoy sex.

I’m grieving because I lost everything that I gained early last year.  I can’t drive again…but I have a cute little car.  I can’t be a foster parent, even though we went through all the classes had all the references…everything…but no, I can’t because it wouldn’t be fair with my health issues to bring a child into this.  And frankly I don’t think I’d pass the physical now.

and worst of all I lost my best friend, my little baby dog.  A HUGE part of me died with her.  I have to find a way to make that part live again.  To put the pieces of my life back together, even if some of the pieces are missing

Why do I write? Because I need to.

But I also need to take a break.

I may write sporadically for a while to let you know what is going on, but I need to take a break from the internet.  I won’t be reading other people’s blogs as much or commenting as much.  I need to take some time to focus on me.  I may write about it, I may not.  right now I’m simply trying to figure out how to get past all the grief of things I’ve lost this year, or how to grieve without losing myself.  I need to focus more on the spiritual side of me.  I need to make some huge decisions.  My husband and I need to grieve over our Sandy together, and figure out how we will carry on with our family now that such a huge part of it is gone.  We may end up moving.  As I said a lot of decisions….and a lot of needs.

But yes I will write again.  Because I must.

End 15 minutes…plus a little to put in the photo.  : )

Author: wendy

I'm taking a journey learning to live a happy and productive life, while living with Chronic Illnesses. I'm a bit of an idealist. I want everyone to be happy and think everyone should want the same for others. I don’t understand mean people. I cry easily and laugh often. I love cartoons, Dr. Who, and my wonderful husband...not in that order!

7 thoughts on “I Keep Writing Because…. #HAWMC Day 24

  1. Sandy was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Sounds like it all came tumbling in on you. You need some time to grieve and refocus. Just don’t forget to come back, okay? We care what happens to you, lady! But take all the time you need. Been some huge hurdles lately. Major shifts. Prayers and gentle hugs! :)

  2. Writing is a great form of therapy. It helps you to get the ugly out of your head and it provides as a distraction… to help keep your mind from wandering off too far and thinking of all the bad.
    My heart hurts for you that you lost your Sandy… ♥

    • Thank you Muse. I’m sure I’ll be writing some…I’m just not sure I want to share it all. Some I might, but I need to dive into taking better care of me…reading, meditating….I’m literally making myself sick from all the grief right now. All the losses from this past year just came to a head with the loss of my best friend. I haven’t grieved enough for other losses I don’t think…so now everything is coming down at once. thank you for caring. w[?]

  3. Wishing you peace and love Wendy. It is wise for you to look at your process as grieving – many people do not see it this way, yet that process helps us work through things. The only constant is change, and I try I believe that everything will balance – the bad things will be counteracted by good things, one day. Maybe not right away, but someday. Find the positive – kick at the darkness till it bleeds light. The light is always there, somewhere. Good luck – I will be thinking of you on your journey – may it be healing!

    • thank you Katie, good advice…I’ll try to follow it….I plan to follow it! I’ll probably be around a bit, but I plan to stay off the computer as much as possible. hugs. wendy

  4. Oh My :-( sometimes a break is good and then you can always come back, and you know we will all be here waiting for you and that we will think of you if you need a break. You have been through so much, and especially now you need to do whatever makes you feel better. I dont think i could even read about sandy yet because i would cry too much, so i cant even imagine how you must be feeling :-(
    Honestly, I know this sounds weird, but dont worry about the weight, I am the same, I cant exercise and I am 4 sizes bigger than i was before i was housebound, i cant have a baby with Mr F (because for one thing i cant even wash teh dogs because i panic, and what if the baby needed something and Mr F wasnt home? I couldnt go out and get it) I cant drive either, although i worked my butt off to pay off a lovely brand new car for myself before i got sick, I studied for 6 years and worked 3 jobs, now i cant do anything, i lost my best mate Doza too in late 2010, he was the lovliest dog in the world and developed epilepsy which the drugs didnt help and he didnt know who i was and i was stuck at home by myself unable to go out or get help watching him fitting for hours and panicking so much i didnt know what to do, then he would stop and was terrified of me, and i still dont talk about him or look at pictures of him
    I honestly know exactly how you feel and it took me a long time to let it go and understand i just needed new plans and goals now, and i still have my moments now when i feel so sad about it.
    Just remember you are never ever alone, but your appearance doesnt matter to anyone, just work on your health and trying to grieve properly.
    WE love you and I hope you come back xx

    • Oh dear, I will be back. I just need to get away a bit. Focus on me, and not be bombarded by so much outside stimuli. (but you can always email me…you know I love you!)

      (warning….this may be a tear jerker)

      It is so difficult watching the one we love loose them selves. some times I can look at pictures of Sandy and it’s ok…other times not so much. Depends on what she’s doing. And I keep getting these moments where I turn around because I know she’s there, or I see something out of the corner of my eye and think she’s there. It’s excruciating. And I know Stuart is so worried about me, and he’s grieving too. So is the cat.

      We will be alright, at some point, but it will take a while. We have ordered an outside bench and are going to put in it an air proof container, with her ashes and some of her favorite things. And will mount her tag on the side, perhaps with another little memorial, I’m not sure. But when we die, she will be mixed with us. She’ll always be here with us.

      always. love you my dear. xoxoxo w

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