Much better.

I wrote this post yesterday but for some reason I didn’t post it.  I still want to let everyone know what was going on, but I also want to say that the tinnitus has calmed down to a tolerable level, and my hearing is almost back to normal.  I’m feeling much better!!

But this was yesterday:

As we all know, I’ve been under a LOT of stress lately.  I’m really trying to take care of myself, but I still feel pretty crummy.

Last Thursday, I woke up and the hearing in my left ear had significantly dropped.  Now, it’s been over a week, and still my hearing is down.  I can’t remember a time this has ever happened before.  Normally, if my hearing drops I have an attack shortly afterward.  My last attack came after 4 days of diminished hearing, and that was unusual.

After the scare with my hubby, I have been so very tired.  I’ve been sleeping A LOT, and mainly just lying around.  I keep feeling off-balance, but not spinning.

Last night the tinnitus significantly increased.  And I really mean Significantly!  My left ear is roaring so loud I can hardly concentrate on anything else.  Sleep is almost impossible.  (I did doze on and off all night.)  It’s just so dang LOUD!  My head hurts.

I just want to scream, “What the F*%&?”

I’ve been feeling like I’m on the verge of an attack for over a week.  Hearing dropped, fullness increased, tinnitus increased, and disequilibrium is icky.  Being on constant alert is so tiring, and painful.  Yes, I said painful.  I am in knots, all over my body.  I am so tense I just can’t relax.  Every night before I go to sleep I have to take a hot bath to try to help the pain.

On top of that, I can’t stop thinking about how close I came to losing my husband.  I just don’t know what I would do.  He is just so much of my life.  My best friend, my lover, my care-giver, my provider….  Not only would I be losing the love of my life, I’d be losing my stability.  I feel horrible for thinking about those things.  It has been so hard for me to give up so much of my independence, and I finally came to terms that I can rely on him, and accept his help…but what if, in the blink of an eye, it was all taken away?  Yes, we have life insurance.  I would be provided for monetarily for some time, but money can’t give me what Stuart does.  He accepts me, he loves me, he is always there when I need him, and I need him a lot.

I’m working on it.  But that was a big scare, and it will take some time to deal with it properly.  I just hope it did some good.  I hope Stuart can find more in life to make him happy.  He has a career he’s not that happy in, but we need the money.  I would really like for us to be able to get in the position where he could afford to make much less money, and where I could contribute.  Having a job you love is much more important than having money.  Unfortunately, with the medical bills, and a mortgage, money is pretty important right now.  We thought about down sizing, and simplifying our lives, but selling the house in this market…not really possible.  But I want to have a plan.  A plan to change things.  I want for Stuart to find hobbies or volunteer work that he can find happiness in while he still has to work in a career he really doesn’t like.  We can do this.  I can help.

thanks for listening.  I feel much better today.  : )